Bathtubs and Blessings

The delicate weight of change
It’s so many changes, I don’t know where to start.
I’ve been moving all my life, but this time it’s different. This significance is delicate, tender, loving, kind, slow, and understanding. This journey has been deeper than I ever imagined.

I got into the bathtub the other day for the first time in months. It’s been a while since I had access to a bathroom with a tub and not a standing shower—I mean, besides a shelter and my abusive ex’s crusty-ass mama’s old downstairs bathroom.
I scrubbed that thing forever, but the look of 1960 asshole-scum never dissipated, no matter what. Just filthy. Everything about that house makes me cringe.

> Have you ever been in a place you tried so hard to make nice, to make comfortable, to make it decent at the very least, but no matter what you did, it never seemed to get clean or work?
>
That was this dusty, old, shit-brick of a “house.” With or without closing my eyes, I can literally still smell the pissy, old, stupid 1960s doily-wallpaper with the peach background plastered on that shitty bathroom wall.

Please! (I offered an inward groan and found myself thoroughly unimpressed.)

The Body Keeps Score

Anyways, yeah, I cried.

I got in this beautiful bathtub in this new three-bedroom home of mine and fucking cried. Unexpectedly and immediately.
The body keeps score, y’all. It’s not a joke. I don’t say quotes to sound like fucking Mark Twain or Orson Welles. I say them because they’re true and it’s what lies deep within my spirit and soul.

Speaking of which, it reminds me of what I was thinking about earlier in the week:
People have been shitty to me because I’ve been a kind person. I’ll repeat that again.
People have been shitty to me because I’m a kind person.

Is that bad?

Nope. Not at all.

Will I ever stop being kind?

Never—but only to the right people.

People were shitty to me because I am motherfucking pressure. ⚡️

The Power of Choice

I have learned throughout my years—and especially these past few years when I was dealing with my ex—that you get EXACTLY what you allow.
It’s a hard pill to swallow, especially when you are in something fucked up, but it’s true. Now, obviously, common sense should tell you this doesn’t apply to people in severe situations where rights and certain freedoms are out of their control.
But besides that... If you have the power to do something—ANYTHING—to change your situation for the better, FUCKING DO IT.

It’s not an option, it’s a must.

It’s imperative for your future survival and love for yourself.
I was listening to my BF’s podcast the other day and they were talking about how many people do not know how to love themselves. Shit! That’s very true! It’s not like the masses are out here promoting self-love. You see what time it is: sugar, dyes, radiation, and mind control—their favorite recipe.

Choosing the Wind

I didn’t know it, y’all—how to love myself—until I just started. Until all the little things you hear throughout your life started to become louder and louder.
I realized there was no way I would ever be able to reach my goals if I didn’t have a relationship with myself. I was so busy trying to have a relationship with everyone else, I left myself on the back burner—every single time!

How unfair and unloving of myself is that! We demand love from others so much, yet we know nothing about giving it to ourselves in the first place. Again: human beings—greedy and interesting.
I know I got a bit carried away, but the subject still remains: Change.
It’s going to happen either way, with or without us. The blessing is we have a choice: to change with it or go against it.

When I left my ex, I finally chose the wind. I finally let it carry me.

The wind carried me, and I let it. Flag blowing, cheeks wide and full of air. Smiles, tears, laughter, and fear. All of it wrapped in one big whirlwind, and here I have landed.
Safe, dry, warm, and satisfied. I picked up a lot of interesting things along the way, and I’m anxious to share each passing day. Until then, I’m releasing all that was not meant to be for me, and I sit happily in a new place, just for me.

—Hidden Blessings Near A Lake ⛵️