The Blocking

This may be one of my favorite sections.

The stripping.

"The falling down into the depths, the lowest pits of yourself just to crawl back up like a motherfuckin' self-aware goddess!"

Oh, where there's a way baby, there's a will!

I was such a little cockblocking know it all piece of work I'll tell you.

And for damn good reason.

The fucked up shit I have been through from racism to countless acts of childhood abuse; there wasn't really anything you could tell me.

I knew me.

"OH, I KNEW ME!"

Or so I portrayed.

And projected.

And fought.

And boasted.

In so many ways I was right!

But in SO many ways I was wrong.

I was my biggest fan and my biggest enemy.

The reason for my own demise.

The "why Me's" and the "oh it's her"

I was infamous for what we all are guilty of.

Shielding ourselves from the inevitable truth.

That.

That is what no one wants to talk about.

The choices we make thereafter.

The excuses we tell ourselves, and the reasons why behind doing the fucked up shit we do.

Hurt people hurt people, and so the blocking becomes.

There's help.

Oh, there's always help.

There's always an answer, or a question, or something that is needed to take place in order to get from point a to point b, but we want NONE.

We want instant gratitude, and self-healing.

We want the pain to cease as quick as the hurt did come.

But did it?

On some occasions yes, the hurt was instant and the damage was done. But on other instances no.

It was not.

Even with trauma, time plays a factor.

Slowly things build. Experiences creep and add up like algebraic math.

It is so easy to point. To continue to blame, even the ones that hurt us the most.

Even the foulest wretched things that have been done, but it's so hard to point the finger back to the only one who needs you the most.

Yourself.

You matter. In the ways you show up after the hurt. In the ways you show yourself kindness and care.

You matter. In the lessons you can give yourself when you reflect and inflict upon others the very same hurt that was shed and inflicted upon you.

It matters that you examine the most inner parts of yourself.

After trauma something most sad and magical happens.

The protection comes.

Your brain holds you and your body follows, but it is only so you can recharge what is meant to be shown.

"We will call it 'The nervous system hug.'"

It's so important how you receive that hug.

It's important that in this hug you melt.

You melt the ego that says that your pride will matter.

You strip the hardened shell that you thought you needed because your light was not valued as high as the burning hot sun.

You are majestic, and in this you will walk and not run.

Time will be your biggest friend.

Your undoing or all that you will become.

Time gives you chance, choice. It gives you reflection and clarity.

Give yourself this.

As the trauma built, so will the healing, but you cannot be your blocking to this.

You cannot deny your anger.

You cannot deny your needs that DO NOT have to be met because they are not something you needn't earn, nor something that can be won.

Time.

Time will give you practice becoming.

To shed unnecessary desires to coat the pain that needs to be shown.

This is the only way it can be done.

"You must bleed.
Not physically but mentally, emotionally, spiritually."

You must understand that you will make selfish decisions.

For fine example: You will convince yourself that he or she is the one.

That throwing your dreams, hopes and admirations into a relationship or place that does not value or see you will eventually turn out to be the one.

We so easily block ourselves by lying.

We so easily convince ourselves that the lying is true and that the truth is the truth.

Please.