I Said No.
A Return to Self / Boundary Reckoning
You do not need to understand that it is what it is.
I said no & that's just what it is.
I've been traveling y'all.
"Soul searching."
Through the roads of self-discovery, I found myself back in a place of some familiarity. I went to visit an "old friendship" which took me on a path of further self-discovery and realization. The trip, as all trips are planned to do, did NOT go as expected. For this I am most grateful.
I know right? Sounds kind of crazy, but in this situation, for my life, feeling something like this? NOT UNEXPECTED.
With a heart full of heavy tears, I welcomed this. In self-reflection and questioning I discovered: My "Soul Searching Travels were done." I needn't go anywhere or look any further.
"Home was not a place. It was not North Carolina, Pennsylvania or any state for that matter.
Home was inside. Home was me."
Home was the return to the very things I created that gave me sound mind and peace. I had spent almost a year finally giving the little girl inside me what she needed.
I remain humble and loyal to the one who needs me the most. She is smiling at the tears that were streaming down my face as I refused to shrink no longer.
A woman most beautiful. I found myself in a familiar place and this time I did not break. I did not bend. I stayed.
Hugging her tight and promising her everything was going to be alright. Because it was. And it is.
"I said no.
To an old 'friendship' in a new season."
This post is about searching. About finding myself through my experiences. Here we look through a lens of accountability.
The path to self-peace, to self-discovery is questioning. Through everything you do, everywhere you go, and everyone you meet. It's questioning. It's sitting. It's uncomfortable into comfortability. It's shapeshifting your reality to fit the mold that is so beautifully yours.
The rules of life are a lie, and you must know you are living one. We are so young to see that we are not really taught.
The key to freedom lies in the questioning. I get it now. The things you must strip, the thinking that must fall. The energy you must harvest and the seeds you must plant. Oh, the many ways I water my lawn. Sun shining and the grass is tall.
When you really start to love yourself, in everything you do, after everything you have been through to get to wherever you are in your life right now, you owe NOBODY that process.
You owe nobody the ins, the outs, the ups or downs of who, why, what, where and how you got there.
Your word is your bond and your actions should follow suit. You owe no road map, no "here let me help you."
There will come a time in healing when this is one of the things that ring most loud and most true.
THEN YOU WILL KNOW: YOU FINALLY LOVE YOU.
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